Bereavement After Suicide

I feel so alone. Does anyone know how I feel?

Yes, more people than you realize. Approximately one out of four people knows someone who died by suicide. Each suicide leaves behind a network of family and close friends who must cope with the same inner turmoil that you are now trying to understand and cope with.

You are not alone in your struggle.

 

Am I to blame? Could I have helped?

After a suicide, family members and friends often go over the pre-death circumstances and events, blaming themselves for things they should, or should not, have done.

"If only I had tried harder to help!"
"If only I hadn't said I wanted a separation?"

"If only ... if only ... !"

It is important to remember that hindsight is 20/20. If you had only known then what you know now, you might have done things differently. But you didn't know.

Remember - suicide is an individual choice. No one is to blame for this death.

 

What happens during bereavement?

Numbness and shock.

You may find that you are functioning mechanically and emotionally isolating yourself from others. It's too early to come to grips with the tragedy.

Loss and disorganization.

You may find yourself feeling lonely, sad, depressed ... and you may have problems sleeping and eating. You may begin to experience the pain of your loss, and may wish to talk about your personal feelings.

Acceptance and reorganization.

With time you will realize that your life can and does go on, and that grief and loss no longer dominate you. Your life becomes meaningful again, and with encouragement you can rejoin the mainstream of life.

Grief is a very individual experience, and people move through the process in their own unique way. People rarely move through grief without some setback or delay.

 

Do people react and grieve differently?

Family members differ ... situations differ.

• There are usually a number of complex feelings to deal with following a death by suicide ... feelings that may differ from those following other types of death. These emotions vary in kind and intensity. We each cope and grieve in our own way.
• The length of time needed to grieve and adjust varies considerably from one person to another. It can take two to seven years to integrate the loss of complicated grief.
• As people's needs are different, so are their ways of expressing their feelings. We each need room and understanding to express what we feel in our own way.

 

Is it OK to feel angry, or relieved?

You may well feel deep sorrow, anger, and even relief. These feelings are natural.
Do not deny them.

There is nothing wrong in feeling relieved that the burden is gone. Or you may feel angry because you now have another burden to carry.

If you do not work through such feelings, they can block you from moving on through the bereavement to acceptance and readjustment.

 

What if this is more than I can bear?

Always remember ... there is hope ... there is help!

You may not get over the death itself, at least not for a long time. But you can overcome the grief ... if not by yourself, there are others to help you.

Talk to a family member, a friend, a close co-worker, or someone you trust and respect in your community such as your family doctor, your minister, a counsellor or an elder. OR contact a support group or community service such as ours (482-0198)

 

Why do some friends act strangely?

Often, immediately following a suicide death, friends rally around and show support. But over time they may appear to be less concerned and their contact may become less frequent.
Remember the following:

• Generally, friends are well-meaning, and they want to support and help. But they may not know how. They may be afraid that they may say the wrong thing, or overwhelm you by talking about the death. They may think that you want to be left alone.
• It may be necessary for you to guide your friends. You may have to make the first move - to reach out for the support and understanding that you need.

Keep in contact with your friends. People who talk out their feelings are usually the people who recover best from a loss by suicide. Your friends are probably more than willing to listen and to help in any way they can.

 

As a friend, what should I do?

• Treat your friend as you would treat anyone else who has lost a family member.
• Do not ignore a person who has suffered a suicide in the family.
• Use the name of the deceased when talking to your friend.
• Try to understand and be patient with the grieving friend.
• Do not try to accelerate the process of bereavement. It can take some people a long time to completely work through the grief and deal with their feelings. Be patient.
• Be available to listen, and to help out with the tasks at hand.
• Never blame anyone. Suicide is a decision made by one person and judgments should not be made about the family.
• If needed, encourage your friend to consider outside help - from a counselling agency or support group in the community such as ours (482-0198).

What help is available in my community?

• Check for a Suicide Bereavement Group or a similar self-help group in your community.
• Check for the nearest Suicide Prevention Program or Alberta Mental Health Board Clinic.
• Contact your family doctor or minister, your cultural or spiritual leader, a work or school counsellor.

 

 

 

Page last updated December 6, 2007